Hi old self.

I thought it would be great to revisit some old feelings. I’m in a place in my life where reflecting back has given me perspective. I answered these back in November 2020, and here I am several years later. A little older. Maybe some feelings have changed, or perhaps some things still resonate the same. So I decided to revisit this questionaire and answer the same questions a few years later. “Italic responses” are my newest responses to date.

Enjoy.

1. What’s the toughest decision you made today? Choosing whether I want to go forward or end things with someone.
Holding myself equally accountable for how I feel, and why I feel it. This has allowed me to let go of a lot of unnecessary weight and burden.

2. What’s the toughest decision you made this year? Not texting my ex fiancé back when he messaged.
Letting myself soften again for someone.

3. What’s the toughest decision you ever made? Agreeing to not going forward with our wedding.
Finally walking away from someone who couldn’t love me because I believed his demons were fixable.

4. What have you forgotten? What feeling safe and unguarded felt like.
How gentle my love is, how resilient I am after each heartbreak.

5. If you were guaranteed the answer to one question, what would it be? Will I be happy?
Will we be so happy however our lives turn out?

6. What’s it like being you right now? Criticized constantly by people who don’t know me.
I’m very calm. Observant. Soft. I don’t have much energy to waste on creating ideas of people, or people’s ideas of me. I’m intentional more than I have ever been—in terms of, I only want to focus on things that make me happy, that make me feel at peace, that love to the same depth that I love. I have very little patience for unsureness, or things or people that throw me off balance. I don’t want to question anything in my life.

7. What makes you nostalgic? We used to go to our usual dinner places on a normal weekday night, and talk about our day together. I miss the companionship we shared.
Honestly, nothing. I am at peace with every bit of my past life. I enjoyed it for what it was, but I don’t want to revisit anyone or anything. I’m in a beautiful place where I am very happy with the pace and direction of my life, and I’m ok with not knowing what may come, but trusting that everything always works the way it’s meant to. Nostalgia isn’t a place I visit anymore. It’s a strange feeling to slowly forget sweet memories, and perhaps that’s OK not holding onto them to create room for the next.

8. If you had two hours left on earth what would you do? Take my family somewhere with an incredible view of sunset. We’ll probably be having a bottle of something laughing at each other, but we’ll be together and that’s all I need.
This answer. Still.

9. What’s the most beautiful word in the world? Eloquent.
Eunoia.

10. Who makes you laugh more than anyone? My mom and my brother. Hands down.
Mom, brother, this guy I’m dating, me on a second bottle of Prosecco.

11. What did your father teach you? Discipline.
Consistency.

12. What did your mother teach you? Be honest.
Always be honest.

13. What’s the best gift you’ve ever given? A photo book of all his photos he took on our trip to Asia.
Letters. Sincerity in heart.

14. Best gift you ever received? My cross necklace from my mom.
A European birthday.

15. How many times a day do you look in the mirror? Often. Critiquing my outfit mostly.
Often. Observing skin, fixing hair, lip touch up.

16. What do you bring most to a friendship? Empathy.
Empathy. Free spirit. Loyalty.

17. If 100 people in your age group were selected randomly, how many do you think they’d find leading a happier life than you? Each are happy in their own unique way.
Few. I say this because I often hear people staying stagnant always wishing to do things. My life has been incredible. Full of highs, and higher highs. Pinch me moments, and lucky girl mentality. Soft romances, and dreamy getaways. I’ve lived a beautiful, extraordinary, magical life thus far. I think everyone would be happy, but I know for certain—the happiness I have had in the last ten years, have been so magical I beam from cheek to cheek on fullness. But perhaps that’s just me being overly grateful and appreciative that the happiness I feel is a happiness I manifested.

18. What is or was your best subject in school? I have a degree in Biology, Chemistry, and Psychology. Psychology definitely fascinates me.
Creative work, Mental stimulation. Design, Biology.

19. What activity do you do that makes you feel most like yourself? Assembling my outfit of the day. Sounds silly but I spend a great deal of time putting myself together, every single morning. First impressions are impactful.
When my emails are cleared through, my workouts have been consistent, I’m taking care of my mental health, getting ready to go out. All the things that bring a well balanced me makes me feel like my best self.

20. What makes you feel supported? When I receive feedback on my independence, and how inspiring I’ve made people feel about embracing their solitude.
When someone notices something about me and points it out. Seeing me from their perspective and how I’ve influenced or inspired them. Someone understanding from my perspective why I feel what I feel.

21. Whom do you secretly admire? Women who’ve decided to start their own business or brand. So empowering.
Above, An honest person who holds themselves accountable.

22. What time of the day do you feel the most energetic and what do you usually do in those moments? Sunset. I’m usually getting ready to put on a red lipstick and a pair of heels and on my way to meet someone, a date, a girlfriend, or my mom for happy hour.
Evenings, when i’m consistent with my work out routine.

23. What’s something you never leave home without? Perfume. Always.
Perfume, Lipstick.

24. What’s a recurring dream you have? My ex fiance, and moments of our life together.
Revisiting old memories to see if I’ve learned my lesson. I’d like to think some moments come back into our subconscious to see if we’ve grown—to see if we have perspective, or a different way of reacting. Until we can find peace in its message, will it leave us.

25. What makes you feel safe? Having control.
Trusting without guard. Knowing for certain.

26. What’s the best thing that ever happened to you? Solo traveling.
Traveling solo, meeting him, being on my own after walking away.

27. What do you want people to say about you once you’re gone? She had great style, witty as fuck, and wasn’t afraid to be herself.
She’s witty, wilde, soft at heart, graceful, brave.

28. What’s the coolest thing about science? Space.
Space always, Cellular Regenerative Therapy, Modern technology for medicine.

29. What’s the best money you ever spent? Buying a one way ticket to Europe and solo traveling.
Every solo travel trip.

30. What’s a bad habit you have? Guarded. Extremely.
Holding on too long— being too forgiving. Stubborn, Slow to act on brilliant ideas. Procrastinator.

31. What are you grateful for? My health, and the health of my family.
Always.

32. Whom are you envious of? People who can be themselves.
People who’ve created multiple streams of passive income- something I really want to dive deeper into. Letting your money work for you.

33. What’s an image you’ll never forget? Receiving the text/photo that my ex-fiance got married.
The hotel room that started the ending of everything.

34. Describe a near-death experience. Concussion about did me over mentally. Not near death, but there’s no worse place than when you feel mentally broken.
So far, this. Thankfully, nothing new since.

35. If you had a clone, what would you have the clone do? She’d go back in time to live for me during the Pharaonic period. During the Old Kingdom (2575-2134 B.C.), they considered themselves to be living gods who ruled with absolute power.
I like this. Also, travel through space.

36. What’s your idea of Heaven? When i’m about two glasses in, laughing with my mom about something. We have the best time together.
Seeing everyone in my life happy and healthy. Seeing myself happy with someone who is equally happy.

37. What’s your idea Hell? Not having my mom.
Always.

38. When did you know? When we became roommates instead of lovers.
When I felt at peace and ease. When it felt easy. When everything just synced together seamlessly. When I didn’t want to rush where we were because I wanted to take it in fully.

39. What can you do better? Be more honest with myself.
Hold myself accountable. Act on my ideas versus build ideas.

40. When are you most yourself? With my mom.
This, as well as when i’m alone.

41. What superpower would you most like to have? I’d love to teleport. Go back in time. Live vicariously in other time periods.
Teleporting would be adventurous. Perhaps be able to help heal a lot of the suffering around me and the world. In small ways or big.

42. If you were granted three wishes, what would you do with the second wish? I’d take away any debt my loved ones had.
Definitely still.

43. What is your actual superpower? I can adapt to the conversation no matter the topic.
Adaptable.

44. If you won 100 million dollars, what would you buy first? A watch, to remind myself that you can’t buy time so live in every moment.
This, still.

45. What's the best sound in the world? Laughter.
Laughter is always the best sound.

46. What’s perfect about your life? That I still have time.
It keeps blooming.

47. What’s a current favorite song? Alabora - Foxell Pale Blue Remix. On repeat currently.
Anywhere with you - Anime. From him.

48. Describe your favorite color. It’s soft in the light.
Forever me.

49. How many times a day do you think about money? Often. More on terms of saving, and what responsibilities I owe to myself.
Same. Also, how I can create more stable future.

50. Who has been the biggest influence on you in your relationship to money? People who own a home. It’s an investment in yourself and that’s influencing and inspiring.
People who invest in their future. Passive incomers. Real estate investors. My mom.

51. What's one thing you're certain of? That my intuition knows even if I’m hesitating.
My intuition will never, ever steer me wrong.

52. Accomplishments? I still have more left to cross off my list. Not quite there yet.
Walking away when it wasn’t meant for me anymore. Building my own life for myself.

53. What makes you cringe? Pressure to do something on someone else’s terms.
So many things. At this age, the idea of perfection in life. I love grit, and messy, and change, and growth.

54. What does your inner voice tell you? Mom is right.
My intuition knew because it delivered me all the messages mentally, emotionally, and physically before I accepted it.

55. What crime have you considered committing? If I was on Narcos…..
Haha. Same same.

56. What's your favorite place you’ve traveled to? Paris, for self. Vietnam, for experience.
Vietnam for culture, Spain for self, Paris for dreaminess.

57. What meal could you have forever? Sushi. Hands down.
Mama’s cooking. Anything of hers.

58. Which day would you gladly re-live? Year 2018
Year 2023.

59. What are you awesome at? Styling my wardrobe.
Adapting to new rooms, social butterfly, styling my wardrobe.

60. What do you want people you meet for the first time to think about you? She’s way better in person, and way better than how people have described her.
Ohhhhh, this hits.

61. When were you most afraid? Flying usually. Terrible fear of flying.
Any turbulent flight.

62. Favorite show? Homeland. Game of Thrones.
Homeland, Narcos, GoT,

63. What weapon would you carry during the Zombie Apocalypse? Silencer.
Yep.

64. Which of your five senses would you keep if you could only keep one? Sight.
Yep.

65. What’s something you love to do? Prove people wrong.
Being the outlier in the room.

66. What do you cook better than anyone? Green Chili, not better than anyone but I enjoy making it.
My lasagna, spicy honey garlic wings, baked salmon isn’t too shabby either.

67. Ever break the law? I’ve gotten away with being pulled over, three times.
Haha.

68. What would you like to invent? My own perfume.
Yes.

69. Out of 100 random people, where would you rank yourself in terms of your intelligence? 65 but I’m more of a street smart over book smart type.
70. Travel has given me depth and experience.

70. Where do you want to be right now? Tulum was incredible, I could spend more time there right now.
Anywhere with him. Growing and loving.

71. Are you currently reading? No, but All The Light We Cannot See was a spectacular read.
I think this was the last book I read and I loved it so much.

72. What makes you feel powerful? Red lipstick and a pair of stilettos.
Red lipstick, unforgettable style, healthy body.

73. What’s your dream job? Astronaut. Dream to see the world the way they do.
Still, but also, creating a business for myself. Something creative. Something in design. Something creating passive income too.

74. What’s the most hurtful thing someone has ever said to you?…
Take it with a grain of a salt and quite frankly, nothing sticks to me if you want my honest opinion these days. Dust off my shoulder.

75. What three words would you have on your grave stone? She fucking* did it
the one we all fell in love with.

76. What’s your first thought when you wake up? I google the meaning behind my dream every morning. Then text mom.
Search my dreams, my horoscope, text my mom. Also, I don’t want to get out of bed.

77. What’s one thing you wake up to in the middle of the night worrying about? Family.
If I’m doing everything I know I am capable of—or can I do more.

78. If you could tell someone something anonymously, what would it be? Thank you for bringing me out of my shell and reminding me what it felt like to feel smitten again.
You came out of nowhere and had me seamlessly yours.

79. Whom would you like to forgive and forget? Every person who’s ever criticized me without knowing me.
I don’t think about anyone anymore. I’m in a really really good peaceful mind space.

80. If you could be anywhere, where would it be? Another solo trip. Safari is high on this list.
Safari would be incredible. Exploring new parts of the world I haven’t been to yet.

81. What type of person angers you the most? The people who make assumptions about someone without knowing them.
Still, but also those who don’t respect people’s relationships. I have very little tolerance for this. More than ever.

82. What is your greatest strength? Empathy.
Empathy, always.

83. What is your worst weakness? Math.
Stubborn, delayer, math, turbulence.

84. How do you show your love for others? Speaking about them to others.
Yes.

85. Why are you here in this room right now? Because I still haven’t made my mark.
Because there’s still so much I have yet to write my name to.

86. When is a time you forgave someone or were forgiven for something? When I decided to keep a friendship going.
I forgave him one way too many times. Wouldn’t do that again for anyone.

87. What’s the biggest mistake you ever made? Not giving it everything I had.
Assuming that someone had my heart at best interest.

88. What are you hiding? A lot of grief.
Everything—intentionally. I’ve become more private about myself these days. There isn’t so much grief as there is healed wounds. So, that’s beautiful.

89. What’s your unanswerable question--the question you seem to always be asking yourself? What do you want Lillienne?
What does our future look like together?

90. What are you good at? HTML Coding. I designed this website.
Coding, Planning, Organizing, Designing, Writing, Styling…. Me in a nutshell.

91. What is stopping you? Amount of effort I’m putting in.
My accountability within myself. It’s all up to you how much you want it.

92. What’s a secret you have? A lady should always keep a few dirty secrets to herself.
…

93. Would you do it again? In a heartbeat.
No. I am no longer that woman. I don’t want to go backwards, to anything, or to anyone.

94. When was the last time you apologized? My last blog.
Can’t remember.

95. What is the biggest lie you tell yourself? That I don’t miss the way things used to be.
That I believe you when you say it wasn’t anything serious.

96. What was childhood like? I grew up really fast. I wouldn’t change a single thing about what my mom, brother, and I went through— I know my wisdom comes from that part of our life that challenged us.
This still stays same.

97. What's missing from your life? Companionship.
Nothing necessarily. Just waiting on time to piece everything together.

98. Do you believe in a higher power? Absolutely. When things hit the fan, we all talk to someone. We all seek guidance from someone. Whoever it is, be in tune with that energy, or spirit, or force, or power.
Same same. When we’re on our knees asking for light, or a better outcome, guidance, or for the sadness, grief, or pain to lift off. We’re seeking some sort of energy, or spirit, force, religion, or higher power. I’ve felt the presence when I seek for guidance in good times, and bad.

99. What are you ready to let go of? Him.
Holding back.

100. What are you not saying right now? Sometimes I wonder what that other life would’ve been like and if we would have been happy.
Everything in my life happened the way it was meant to. I am at a place of peace, and i’ve been for quite some time. I found my peace within myself. I found the soft, gentle, loving woman that dared with free spirit. I’m forever holding onto her, and I hope one day I can share this version of me with someone who will love her and protect her as equally as I forever will.

with love,

L