It has been three years since my separation. Three years since I’ve been in a relationship. Three. Years.

It’s rare to find people who understand what a separation from a ten year relationship does to you. It’s more than two people going separate ways. You lose a part of yourself you’ll never get back. The road after is a long journey filled with endless bumps of doubt and wide turns of hesitation. The end destination? Who even knows. The emotional tenderness your heart experiences leaves you on the verge of tears every single day. I spent a year in this space. I spent a year focused on trying to figure myself out, and that left no intention on dating any time soon. I declined every invitation to go out and isolated myself in extremes. If there’s any advice I can give you on heartbreak it would be to let yourself grieve. But don’t sit in it forever. Remember in my last post (here) when I said I needed fresh air?

2018. A birthday party for my mom and I knew I had to make an appearance. This was important to me.

Friday night, lounge packed.. It had been a year since I last went out. I was socially awkward, observing my surroundings, feeling so unfamiliar. Everyone is in great spirits, and I’m practically babysitting the purses, mentally thinking “What time is a good time to head home?” That’s how out of tune I was. I take the last sip of my drink, put my glass down, and looked up. For however many seconds the world stopped… The guy sitting in my point of view, across the lounge, surrounded by his friends… He and I exchanged a moment of eye contact. He gives an intentional smile to me. How intense can a few seconds feel? Innnnnntense. If love had a language, this is it. He had me at eye contact. Have you ever felt electricity flow through your heart? Like a love tap? That must be cupid doing work. I mean, holy moly.

At some point in the night, he made his way over, introduced himself, and asked if he could offer me a drink. I politely declined expressing I was heading out. Smooth Lillienne. As I walked away he asked, “When can I see you again?” I turned around, smiled back, and said, “I’m not sure.” Following behind me, the girls witness, adding to my exchange, “We’re headed across the street, You and your friends should meet over there!”

I mean, wing women of the year move in hindsight. I never looked back to see if he accepted the invite. There was a clear mutual attraction between us, but I admit, I held myself back. Fear got the best of me. On our walk over to the next cocktail bar, the girls repeatedly expressed that he seemed genuinely interested, and asked why didn’t I carry the conversation on? Eye contact was one thing, but a conversation? Honestly. I didn’t know how. I mean, I didn’t even introduce my name back. I could see Cupid thinking, “Somebody help this girl.”

We make our way to the next bar. I tell myself just a little longer and then I’m calling it a night. I get distracted as I am rallying everyone together for our first drink. There’s cheers, hugs, endless laughter, and lots of dancing… I forgot what this felt like, to enjoy a night out. The warm embrace of loved ones is honestly a small but impactful touch to a broken heart.

It’s time to call it, and as I round everyone to head out…. Through the door, he walks into my view. Bzzzz onto my heart strings. Or, whatever the sound effect cupid makes when he shoot’s his arrow again. I’m pretty sure he aimed it at my forehead because there was a clear smile on my face. Almost embarrassing, but I guess that’s the side effect to feeling smitten. This guy walks directly towards me, leans into my ear, says, “I didn’t want to intrude on your night but I was heading home and I would’ve regretted not coming in to ask you if I could take you to dinner? Would it be OK to ask for your number?”

Ok, I can’t remember the last time I gave my number out like this. I was 17 when my last relationship started. At this time, I am 28. It’s a thrilling feeling when it’s so unfamiliar to you. Half excited, half nervous. I literally froze. All those drinks and no liquid courage to say, “I’d really love that?” Lord be with me! To this day I can remember my exact response, “Wait. Um. I…Really?” Que face palm.

Everything about this night was refreshing. It was new. I felt new. To have that type of electricity exchanged in person is something I hope everyone feels in their life. If you’re lucky, you’ll get it twice. Serendipity saved me.

I went from building a house with my then “life partner” to sitting in my closet scrambling for a first date outfit. Do you know what it’s like to enter the dating scene after being with someone since you were 17? Ten years in a relationship and coming out of it is suspenseful. It’s like being overqualified with relationship experience while simultaneously you have no idea what the rules are when it comes to post first date. Perhaps that’s my saving grace. I felt like I had been given a second chance to figure it out again. That’s the beauty of life. You’re going to go through heartbreak and you’re going to lose yourself a little. However, you’ll learn a lot about yourself in the process, your strength is supported by your loved ones, and if you’re lucky, you might meet someone who stares at your silly dancing and smiles at you. Take the second chance, it’s a good feeling.

I believe in timing. I believe that some people come into your life to awaken your soul regardless of where life takes you both. My life changed after that night, and after meeting him. It may have been the finality of my past love, but it was the birth of me. The way the light slowly touched the surface of my heart, like sunrise hugging cold concrete. Its warmth embracing the cracks. I postponed grief. I left everything undefined. I befriended uncertainty. Fell in love with mystery. I knelt at the alter of not knowing. I gave my questions time to breathe. And when I turned back, it wasn’t just adventure, or freedom, or even love I was looking for. I found me again.

I unguarded myself and allowed my heart to feel something again. Chemistry isn’t something you just swipe right on. It’s a culmination of eye contact, mutual effort, and a decision to be present in that moment. He taught me a lot about what I was looking for, and I’ll forever be grateful for our shared time. I learned that timing is everything in life. There’s no up or down, just chapters. The only thing you can take away with you are memories. So make more of them. Live in the moment. Hold onto what stays, and let go of what doesn’t. It’s going to be OK. Everything that’s meant for you, will happen when it’s right for you. So enjoy it when it’s there.

With love,

L.